10) The time it takes to get ready in the morning is literally cut down to zero.
9) Your body odor keeps unwanted peddlers at a safe distance.
8) Decisions on what to where are pretty much made for you.
7) You have no burdensome possessions to slow you down.
6) New clothes go from a luxury to a necessity.
5) There is a good chance your clothes weren’t that exciting to begin with.
4) To give someone “the shirt off your back” takes on a new and surprisingly literal meaning
3) No one will say to you “Is that what you are wearing tonight?”
2) Anything you have ever borrowed and never want to return you can now say “oh – that was in my suitcase that got lost”
1) No panty lines!
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Top Ten reasons I wish I had become a Prison Guard instead of a High School teacher
10) Better pay.
9) I would be less afraid to turn the lights out.
8) As a prison guard, you probably don’t have to shower as much.
7) In High School, Mr. Blocker is the superintendent. In prison, Mr. Blocker is the name of the ex-football player heroine addict who got caught stealing cocaine from a pimp named “DiamondBack”. Now I ask you….which one would you rather be around? I thought so.
6) As a prison guard, more of my “clients” have probably taken the SAT.
5) If an inmate is late, you get to put them in the “hole”.
4) Better benefits.
3) I am guessing there would be less “red tape”.
2) Plain brown uniforms with patches imply power.
1) You’re armed.
9) I would be less afraid to turn the lights out.
8) As a prison guard, you probably don’t have to shower as much.
7) In High School, Mr. Blocker is the superintendent. In prison, Mr. Blocker is the name of the ex-football player heroine addict who got caught stealing cocaine from a pimp named “DiamondBack”. Now I ask you….which one would you rather be around? I thought so.
6) As a prison guard, more of my “clients” have probably taken the SAT.
5) If an inmate is late, you get to put them in the “hole”.
4) Better benefits.
3) I am guessing there would be less “red tape”.
2) Plain brown uniforms with patches imply power.
1) You’re armed.
Top Ten Ways You Know an Annual Contract Teacher has been Rehired.
10. Instead of sneaking into the office for their mail, they have a kind of “peacock-like” strut.
9. They get the same “emergencies” on the day of a faculty meeting.
8. Walkthroughs are now greeted with a casual wave rather than a flurry of fake activity.
7. Tenured teachers know who they are, not just what they look like (well…maybe)
6. They join their colleagues in their attempt to “beat the busses out of here”
5. Their discipline referral forms no longer have 3 page explanations attached.
4. They refer to the principal by his/her first name in lunchroom conversations.
3. Their stated opinions about standardized tests no longer include the words “positive" and "enriching".
2. They stop volunteering for things that no one else wants to do.
1. They don’t finish anyth
9. They get the same “emergencies” on the day of a faculty meeting.
8. Walkthroughs are now greeted with a casual wave rather than a flurry of fake activity.
7. Tenured teachers know who they are, not just what they look like (well…maybe)
6. They join their colleagues in their attempt to “beat the busses out of here”
5. Their discipline referral forms no longer have 3 page explanations attached.
4. They refer to the principal by his/her first name in lunchroom conversations.
3. Their stated opinions about standardized tests no longer include the words “positive" and "enriching".
2. They stop volunteering for things that no one else wants to do.
1. They don’t finish anyth
Top Ten Reasons my life as a teacher will never be made into a summer blockbuster film.
10) The only thing I have had to “overcome” is my own laziness (and even that is debatable).
9) You need at least one likeable kid in any school movie.
8) The only person who could play me would be Bill Gates, and I don’t think he does movies.
7) A movie about a guy who “cuts corners” does not have sex appeal.
6) I drive a Honda. Never has there been an amazing car chase featuring a Late 90’s blue Civic.
5) The only dramatic thing about the FCAT is the speed in which administrators are changed after the results are in. (zing!)
4) I think there has already been a movie about a skinny privileged white guy trying to make a difference…what’s it called? Oh yeah…WarGames.
3) Often times I bore myself, I can only imagine what moviegoers would feel.
2) To make the movie we would need a cast of thousands just to cover our monthly faculty changes.
1) It’s all politics!
9) You need at least one likeable kid in any school movie.
8) The only person who could play me would be Bill Gates, and I don’t think he does movies.
7) A movie about a guy who “cuts corners” does not have sex appeal.
6) I drive a Honda. Never has there been an amazing car chase featuring a Late 90’s blue Civic.
5) The only dramatic thing about the FCAT is the speed in which administrators are changed after the results are in. (zing!)
4) I think there has already been a movie about a skinny privileged white guy trying to make a difference…what’s it called? Oh yeah…WarGames.
3) Often times I bore myself, I can only imagine what moviegoers would feel.
2) To make the movie we would need a cast of thousands just to cover our monthly faculty changes.
1) It’s all politics!
Top Ten jobs that I am reasonably sure are worse than being a teacher
10) Prison barber.
9) Mafia Accountant
8) Sharon Stone’s personal assistant
7) Quality Control for an Alarm Clock manufacturer
6) Inspector # 11 for Fruit of the Loom undergarments
5) The guy in the Chuck E. Cheese costume
4) Any job that deals with the processing or packaging of any meat product.
3) High School security guard
2) Impressionist painter
1) Substitute Teacher
9) Mafia Accountant
8) Sharon Stone’s personal assistant
7) Quality Control for an Alarm Clock manufacturer
6) Inspector # 11 for Fruit of the Loom undergarments
5) The guy in the Chuck E. Cheese costume
4) Any job that deals with the processing or packaging of any meat product.
3) High School security guard
2) Impressionist painter
1) Substitute Teacher
Top Ten ways being a teacher is like being married.
10) Sometimes you want to say things….but you know how much trouble you will get in if you do.
9) Both require a brand of patience worthy of sainthood.
8) One of you is making messes; the other is cleaning them up.
7) There is a constant power struggle over who is really in charge.
6) There are a lot of hoops to jump through.
5) Often times both contain some type of confusion over “expectations”.
4) Assistant Principal = Mother-in-Law
3) Both offer immeasurable rewards that take years to see.
2) You spend a lot of time wishing someone would “meet you halfway”.
1) You’re not allowed to hit anybody.
9) Both require a brand of patience worthy of sainthood.
8) One of you is making messes; the other is cleaning them up.
7) There is a constant power struggle over who is really in charge.
6) There are a lot of hoops to jump through.
5) Often times both contain some type of confusion over “expectations”.
4) Assistant Principal = Mother-in-Law
3) Both offer immeasurable rewards that take years to see.
2) You spend a lot of time wishing someone would “meet you halfway”.
1) You’re not allowed to hit anybody.
Top Ten Things not to say during your Professional Teaching Evaluation
10) I’m sorry Jason, but I do not answer questions from people that I don't think know how to wash.
9) I think this glue smells funny, does anyone else think this glue smells funny? Let me smell it again, I think it smells funny.
8) Okay class, your objective today is to “Shut the hell up!”
7) No Brian, we discussed this, the answer is ‘because Baby Jesus made it so’.
6) Well, Alan, you and your ‘urinary tract infection’ can both go to the dean! I said no passes!
5) Well, I can see why you would answer like that, considering no one loves you…
4) Are you the pregnant one? No? Sorry, I have a lot of pregnant students and you look pregnant. My bad.
3) I told you, I don’t care. I dismiss you, not the fire alarm.
2) Anyone mind if I unbuckle my belt? I had WAY too much mac and cheese at lunch.
1) No Child Left Behind? What is that?
9) I think this glue smells funny, does anyone else think this glue smells funny? Let me smell it again, I think it smells funny.
8) Okay class, your objective today is to “Shut the hell up!”
7) No Brian, we discussed this, the answer is ‘because Baby Jesus made it so’.
6) Well, Alan, you and your ‘urinary tract infection’ can both go to the dean! I said no passes!
5) Well, I can see why you would answer like that, considering no one loves you…
4) Are you the pregnant one? No? Sorry, I have a lot of pregnant students and you look pregnant. My bad.
3) I told you, I don’t care. I dismiss you, not the fire alarm.
2) Anyone mind if I unbuckle my belt? I had WAY too much mac and cheese at lunch.
1) No Child Left Behind? What is that?
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